LOVE AND RESIGNATION
Monday, August 15, 1743
Was weak in body, and thought this frail body would soon drop into the dust; had some realizing apprehensions of a speedy entrance into another world. Was not a little distressed for want of suitable food. Had no bread, nor could I get any. I am forced to go ten or fifteen miles for all the bread I eat; and sometimes it is mouldy and sour before I eat it; and then again I have none for some days together, for want of an opportunity to send for it, and cannot find my horse in the woods to go myself.
This was my case now, but through divine goodness I had some Indian meal, of which I made little cakes and fried them. Yet felt contented with my circumstances, and sweetly resigned to God. In prayer I enjoyed great freedom, and blessed God as much for my present circumstances as if I had been a king.
Saturday, March 10, 1744
Felt dead to the world and its enjoyments. Life appeared but an empty bubble; the riches, honours, and common enjoyments of life tasteless. I longed to be entirely crucified to all things here below by the cross of Christ. My soul was resigned to God’s disposal of me in every regard, and I saw there had nothing happened to me but what was best for me.
My soul was full of love and tenderness in the duty of intercession; especially felt a sweet affection to some godly ministers of my acquaintance. Prayed earnestly for Christians, and for those I have reason to fear are my enemies, and could not have spoken a word of bitterness or entertained a bitter thought against the vilest man living.
Had a sense of my own unworthiness. My soul seemed to breathe forth love and praise to God afresh when I thought He would let His children love and receive me as one of their brethren and fellow citizens; and when I thought of their treating me in that manner, I longed to lie at their feet, and could think of no other way to express the sincerity and simplicity of my love and esteem of them as being much better than myself. I longed to ask forgiveness of everybody that ever had seen anything amiss in my past conduct, especially in my religious zeal.
From Diary of David BrainerdÂ—Missionary to the Red Indians.